________________________________ My Memoir: Chapter IV: Smiling again: Now before I flip forward to learning to smile again; I'll say that when my son passed on [which for a long time I confused with dying]; many thoughts went through my mind and certainly as many questions: It was quite the spiritual awakening years after, pondering those same thoughts and questions; when I realized that the moment in those thoughts and questions; to and about my own higher power - God [a known term I use for commonality of concept only]; that it was Him which I was angry with and blamed and thus; it was Him I walked away from instead of society. It was, I realized, that moment in time I walked fearlessly and no longer trusted but; challenged every thing: I had lost every thing in my life in an instant - yet, I was still standing, breathing, crying, in pain, and most of all challenging my-self to be done with it then. I would no longer love people but rather; money... OMG - did I just admit sin...! Damn right I did but again; it was not until years later and thus; I did immerse my-self in what I thought I was the best at... Communication with others... [it seems it is only others who think of themselves as authority that I can not communicate with - weird] And to fill in a little detail; know that I grew up the first five years in a deeply seated German Catholic family in a deeply seated German Catholic town: Children were seen and not heard. Then being placed in foster homes of people I did not know, I remained silent for the most part and was likely one of those "factors" for which I was held back and did first grade twice - I thought it was because of me when in fact there is an underlying cause that most refuse to admit and their involvement in such things could never be admitted... I lost many people directly related to my-self long before I lost my son but; the realities of those losses are not as surreal as face to face and not by mere separation. It was the reality of what I thought of as dying being the loss, was in fact wrong; and again, not until later on in life; when there was so much more that I was just letting go of - the memories inside of my-self! That was the true loss... I had in fact given up on my-self in my bold challenge to the world. I may or may not give more details of some of those losses later but; for now, let's get on with learning to smile again: When my son passed I also lost my "family" [a mother to my son and my daughter]: The mother to my son and daughter suffered a mental break down and many things happened which have been consolidated in a poem you read in the earlier pages - KASEY - In My Heart - I'll leave it at that for now: In the meantime; having walked away from God I headed to make money doing what I had come to learn I was so good at. Along the way I met people of all walks of life: Being so free without any "authority" it was the crux of an "addiction" as most people define it. I dove into the money, coke, meth, weed [as we called it back then] and spent every dime I made. As an independent contractor meeting stars, atheletes, singers, performers and such and dealing with the local political leaders, commercial leaders, school leaders, arena companies and so many other connections merely by being a ticket agent is how I learned about all of them being singularly motivated by the same thing as my-self; money! There was a difference though, they all took it so seriously and I could not figure out why. To my-self it was just money and there is plenty to be had if one just asks. That's all I really did in all of this "communication" I was doing. I was asking city leaders; can you sponsor this, local businesses can you purchase ad space, local banks can you do the accounting [Inedependent contractorsare "private"], local arenas get big ad space on front cover for exchange of venue use etc... Most of which never required my signature except the main contract as checks were issued or received by the bank through contract name: Thus each contract a new account was established and funds separated keeping tighter and more secure measures in place privately. All the while I had been smiling in public to attain my needs there but; privately I took on a frown over a period of time; I had no real friends, just associative people for the most part. [Don't get me wrong - I did in fact meet some great people and a slight couple brothers that have had a major influence in and on my life] I did my money making thing for around four or five years and to express how things are in sales and wanting to be successful; it is more about selling your-self than the product. Having been selling my-self for that time there were still those thoughts and questions that I could never forget; oft times waking in the night sweaty and out of breath from running and not knowing what it was but; just that it was some 'thing'... I still had my daughter I thought of constantly and even had the opportunity to have her visit for a week and it was one of the most wonderful of all my life: There in is the problem though; one opportunity in almost 5 years... This was not due to the fact that I moved to Nebraska to do my sales and advertising there but rather; because the mother of my son and daughter would move when they got evicted and not forward an address: See; in making the money I was at the time I was dedicated [addicted...?] to traveling back home every two weeks to see my daughter despite the five hour trip each way. Depite my efforts however; I would always end up walking the streets going door to door with a picture of my daughter searching endlessly. I had had enough and decided to move back to Iowa, I put down the business and walked away from that role of society: I hadn't realized it yet but; it was still all an act, society that is: The searches began daily and it was on one of these such searches; that my dad happened to come with as he did several times; we actually found her and made strict arrangements for visits and gave her notice I was back in town and things are about to change... Sadly, it was not but; a year later and the mother of my son and daughter passed on her-self: Needless to say; as the biological father; I automatically got custody and the battle was over - NOT! See; I said my sons death was the crux of my addiction and I said I put down the business but; I had not put down the "mind altering" substances! It is important to note; in my very deepest opinion; one who is "addicted" must put down the addiction themselves as no amount of suasion can come externally lest reservtions of blame be set. Before I go further I wish to correlate a couple terms most people seem to believe they have come to know and trust in their use. The first is; addiction and the second is; dedication: You have read both of these terms in this writing but; oft times they are not used in the same manner. When one uses the term dedicated as in; "dedicated to his work", the use itself is seen in a postive sense. However; if one were to say; "he's addicted to drugs", the use is seen in a negative sense. Now; let's look at "work" and "drugs" - if ones work is making drugs one could be either making legal drugs or illegal drugs. So; does this mean one may be; "addicted to his work" Or "dedicated to drugs" and the connative sense is magically changed...? The internal mechanisms of the one being defined as addicted or dedicated can only be prescribed by that internal being and its sense of purpose: Now, with daughter and a full life ahead I had to stop dead in my tracks! I had to fix me - one can not care for another unless they can first care for themselves. In having walked away from God and realizing I had walked away from my-self as well, I had to come clean: I started looking in the proverbial mirror at the same time as I was looking in the real mirror and that "Man In The Glass" spoke for once! I heard him! It was my-self telling my-self I looked like shit: I was not totally off the meth yet and working 12 hours a day at the local FireStone. I knew I had to go to 12 step meetings to at least meet others who were doing it. So with not time for even my-self beyond all that and the fact I was still just starting to get on my feet again after having given up the "money"; I knew I did not have enough time for my daughter. At that time in my life, my family still had some hope in me and when I went to my sister to have her take my daughter in while I fixed me - she agreed - all orally no paperwork and she was just around the corner so I could see my daughter anytime [which I did quite often and even helped by baby-sitting a few times]. I will segway back to that situation later but; for now; on to smiling!!! It was these 12 step program meetings and the spirituality of the people in those rooms that I indulged in taking advantage of as I mentioned earlier. It was at a time I needed it for my-self and took only my own urge to do so - again; in my opinion, that is the most effective way one can use such things in life for betterment - self assessment. These rooms were oft times filled with people that most think are full of nothing but sad stories: However; I will tell you that in meeting those I did, provided some of the funniest, joyous, memorable stories yet. But; having also listened to the many sad stories it was up to my-self what I took from those gatherings and I chose the happier things to help balance the sadness of the events that had piled up in my own life. I was still frowning and I needed to balance that out so I could compel others to smile at me like Kasey: This was my goal - to find that same smile! So; I searched every face everywhere I went and I still to this day use the people of the world as my "sponsor"!!! I seek out smiles! I copy them. I mix them. I try one after another. I practice. I get better all the time. Not all are the same size so they don't fit but; look funny still, which also brings a smile in return! If I see a face with no smile I do my best to "plant" one, like a seed in hopes it will grow!!! Don't hide it - I'll find it anyway! ;) Every where I go, I look first to the eyes, are they looking directly back...? Are they too smiling from ear to ear - can I see the smile in the eyes even if someone is wearing a mask...? This is why I prefer face to face communication as the eyes truly are the windows to a soul. We become complacent listening for words or looking for them on paper and forget how to see them in ones heart.

Posted by El Hotepsekhemwy Pero at 2020-12-05 22:18:05 UTC