My Memoir: Chapter III: Re-wind; So here we are; in a dedication to Kasey, my son; re-view-ing events during my life that evidence the weighing and balancing of [m]y "rains" and "gains": Thus why we are going to rewind to my younger years and even the original dedication of this memoir to my parents; though through a legal adoption only; and the transitions as I saw them through mine own eyes in the capacity of in-no-cents... This may seem a funny way to express what we know today as "innocence" but; as you extend your own sojourn into origins; then you too shall see the lies - realize the real lies with your real eyes: See; [and yes that IS punny] when one cannot know the commercial aspect of the language they use then they can not use it commercially. What I mean here is this; when we; as a people; give up our inherent right of teaching our young in the highest and purest form of education [And That being the spiritual education] then we have given up our own beliefs AND our young to deception... When we no longer teach then is the time of our very own demise and this very concept carries through to learning from what we observe as well for if we quit observing then we ourselves have placed the limitation of know-ledge <<< [and thus create a ledger of debt] and conversely a limition of teaching: So; when we send our young to the public education institutions and they teach them commercial terms without explaining the commercial use, then we are responsible for it one way or another. Commercial terms...? What do you mean by "commercial terms" Keith...? Well, think about it; how many "commonly used words" are actually used; by assumptions unknown and based on SMU [Shit Made Up], in a legal sense/style [f]or commercial purposes/intents: Every time one signs a piece of paper it is commercially instrumentalized through statistics of the record-keeping: When I was the young kid going from home to home, I ponder; how did the statistics change and exactly for who...? Did they change for my-self...? I mean did I really end up with at least twenty four parents...? Does that reflect on that record or in those statistics or just my own memory and/or imagination...? I mean who is really lying here when they profess my name to be Little by record when there is a superior record or prior record that says otherwise...? And if that adoption record transpired when I was not competent to comprehend it in the commercial sense; nor was I advised of it at any point; then is it inclusive of my-self or just the "person" created by the "recorded event"...? When I was that little boy being adopted; my competency existed only in the fact that I then believed I had a "mom and dad" for the rest of my life; instead of a Mr./Mrs. so and so as foster parents [common parent - an interessting term]; and that; was the motivating factor Along with the singular fact that they were also adopting my two younger biological sisters: As I saw it then to be a wonderful thing, my views have changed over the years - not to slight the fact that so too have the views of both "mom and dad' AND both my younger sisters; as they have all assessed my-self to be a lunatic as of the writing of this chapter... My competency today no longer exists in belief as well but rather; in knowing and faith: Today I let that light shine - "You have showed me, despite our differences, that I have a light within me and it is a shared light that must continue being shared." And let me be very clear here; I recognized quite a number of the differences; between my mom and dad and even my sisters; in my later years as merely psychological differences because of the very different ways we "observed" life... Mom and dad both worked for the government while we; as the children; were in fact raised by the government: Of course at my young age then I had no concept of this as I had no concept of the commercial aspect either... So; now we see there are more than one factor in which these "adoption events" are "capitalized" by or through: So next; before being adopted, I had too been subjected to various different religions: This of course was according to what religion any particular foster family adhered to. This is where the plethora of differences that I was subjected to in most all "statistical" stereotypes and catagories and characterizations [Along with continuous "Family Counseling! LOL] etc. has actually helped my-self recognize the independent differences in each of "us" and know that we are not the same but; equal... The Biggest difference was that in my young eyes; though I did not even know the meaning of authority; I knew they had it and "they" was all those within all those words they were using... That was as simple as I could comprehend things and thus - I was a child that did not speak much my-self: I did pose many questions though and was always inquisitive and especially so when outdoors. This last; what I called earlier; "factor" in my life is what was most entirely left off any record and is what I believe places my-self where I am today. In my own opinion, I have a deeper connection than most in regrds to mother earth and I'll leave that here for now: In respect to my own desire in this aspect of my life my dad got me involved in Boy Scouts. A great experience in full and I may explain some details later on but again; I'll leave that here. My mom and dad in regards to my very education expanded it where most others do not and that is in the single fact that they carried; at least a portion of; that responsiblity at home. This is too another important advantage I have in regards to the way I saw and still see life. I had both public and private education and they both enhanced the other!!! Just like the adage goes; "two heads are better than one" so goes in forms of education: Here is where I will impute the importance of the "factor" of "religion"... One can not serve two masters for he will love the one and despise the other: Segway to religious authority: My new mom and dad of course wanted us to be "religious" by example and such we went to church regularly; This is a factor that was consistent as having been carried out through all foster homes I was in: And at the same time I was introduced officialy to the labor force and commerce and banking...! Yep - I got a Paper Route! YEAH!!! And believe you me - I fell in Love with Money!!! How many can say they had a banking agent when they were ten years old...? LOL... So; now there is a very induceable young man being commercialized, politicized, institutionallized, propgandized, characterized and terrorized by mere words... Question then; what is a word when used against the truth... is it a weapon...? Question then; what "parents" out of them all are my authority...? Do they all; somehow over time; still carry some kind of authority...? If so; is it commercial...? Is it legal...? Is it relgious...? Is it political...? Is it statistical...? Just what character is the authority...? I have serious doubts in being able to find a definitive answer as no one yet seems to be able to clarify any authority statistically, politically, religiously, legally, commercially etc.: Question then; why is this...? Is it because they know not authority or whence it derives...? The very basics of; Know thy-self: So back to the younger me: Going through these things in life I can imagine it seems rather normal for the most part and that is how I will pose it - completely normal: This however; can be and actually is misleading as "normal" does NOT mean right... Normal is a statistical collection of data and what is natural data elements are usually not on record... why is this...? Again; in my opinion here; I believe it is because the natural expression; of ones say hidden talents; is once again; conveyed into or through a; politcal grammar; commercial grammar; religious grammar etc instead of the words directly from the expressors heart - someone else always wants to tell someone elses story... We have been indoctrinated to do so - even as I sit here typing this up - we are trained to express some thing, and yet most look for that something in someone else. Thus; you are reading my own record of events as I express them freely now: I do hope you are enjoying the read as I contemplate still the words of my own future yet to be written in the pages ahead: But; before I continue; I want to express just a slight glimpse into the not so normal parts and tell you the terrorism I did in fact experience as that young child: Not to most; I can assume; would a bed seem to be terrifying but; as a small child I can tell you all; each different bed in each different foster home kept my-self from getting the very comfort one seeks in sleep itself: Imagine being classified as having some mental or medical condition because you can't sleep and don't know how to explain it other than your very real fears. Imagine not comprehending why everyone wants to shove some kind of medicine down your throat to hide the fear instead of finding you a "forever home" like they promised each time they moved you to another temporary home. It starts out depressing and builds from there. The way I saw it was that each move took me farther away from where i came from; where I be-long: Imagine the terror of having your fingers strapped to a board and shoved into the flames of a furnace to teach you to not play with fire... Imagine watching a sibling being kicked so hard they fly across the room and break the old console tv... imagine a sibling being punched hard enough they go over the bannister and end up with abroken back when they land on the stairs below... imagine being whipped with a short bull-whip... imagine standing on your head in a corner until you pass out... imagine being handed a shovel and told to start digging as your punishment [wondering what the hole is for]... imagine a sewing machine flying through the air and seconds later the cord being wrapped around anothers neck... imagine seing a man sealed in a barrel... imagine seeing a man hacked from limb to limb... I can't not even say today whether all these images are real because I wish to forget them so much I almost have my-self convinced; but; because I know first hand they do not go away... they terrorize me to this day: And yet somehow today; I realize the totality of the spiritual war and the weapons of grammar because I refuse to let mere words in any form put my-self in fear!!! It is time to quit imagining and start seeing things for what they are. When I learned to put down the fear is when I started to learn how to smile: This is where I bring up my son Kasey and the important lesson I learned from looking back and reflecting on his purpose in his so short life here. When I did so, I also reflected back upon my own younger life and noticed through viewing pictures, that something had drastically changed outwardly and it was Very visible: In those pictures my "smile" slowly faded and one could eventually see a constertnation in my look and even sentiments of anger. I was suprised when I saw this and immediately thought of the poem; "The Man In The Glass" [The Woman In The Glass] which I had recently discovered and immediately determined I was going to smile again... This is when I realized my sons purpose was to teach me to do that very thing - "smile again". See; every time; And I mean Every Time I entered the room, my son knew it and his little head would swing round in my direction and the biggest smile there ever was shined bright in mine own eyes... Do you see it today...? See me in the next chapter where I explain the process I used to learn to smile again - you may be as suprised as I was! You could even say I took advantage of others and used them!!! In love of course... I have - like being re-born; have been given the breath of life again [re-wind]... I will forever praise the rains and the gains! In memory of Kasey I smile... please share Kaseys smile and light up the world:

Posted by El Hotepsekhemwy Pero at 2020-12-04 05:41:56 UTC