You don't know me yet...? Here is a start - hope to get to know you soon... My "Memoir" [Dedication - Chapter 1] ____________________________________________________________________________________________ Me, Myself and Why In memory of my son: Kasey Albert Little Dedicated to: My parents, Albert Byron Little and Gloria Jean Little. I love you more than you may know and more than I ever realized I could love anyone. You have showed me, despite our differences, that I have a light within me and it is a shared light that must continue being shared. You both have a level of integrity I do not see in others no matter where I seek it. You say what you mean and mean what you say. You have both showed me what it is to be one with another. I have never once heard either of you arguing with the other and only hope to someday learn that secret. God bless you both for guiding me the way you have, the way I needed! I LOVE YOU. ____________________________________________________________________________________________ INTRODUCTION ____________________________________________________________________________________________ Me, Myself and Why _____________________________ My Memoir - Philosophy being developed yet to this day. I don't know that it was any one event in my life that brought me to where I am today. I do know that there were a number of losses with one in particular that culminated in the "I hate you!" attitude towards my higher power. There are several of these misfortunes I can tell you about but, I will keep it to one. Before I do though, I'll tell you a little about me. I was born in Dubuque, Iowa in 1966. My father I know a little about and my mother I know nothing about. I do remember them but, that is about the extent of it. I know their names but, do not have any real memories with the exception of my father. I will tell you about him later on. When I was about five years old I was put up for adoption along with my brother and sisters. My oldest sister Kristina I had not seen since I was twelve years old as well as my older brother Kevin. My two younger sisters, Karla and Kelly I have known all my life. It is only a passing of GODs will that I was adopted along with my two younger sisters. Our adoptive parents whom I look at as being my only parents, were in search of a family. In this search they fostered children. I have yet to figure out why they chose us and it still brings me to tears of thanks that they did. My older sister Kristina I did eventually get back in touch with, but again, that was the extent of it. I got to see her with my next youngest sister at her and her husbands place. We had a good time and caught up with what had happened in our lives. Basic chitter chatter of events is all. None of which seemed to be spectacular. Though I had written a couple times after that contact as well as called and received no answers. This I related to having not ever developed a "real" relationship and so I left it for what it was. When I did finally hear about her death it was a sad moment but, at the same time it was made out that I should feel guilt for not knowing about it. I had no way of knowing about it unless I asked. That seems to be the expectation of others in that I should constantly query the events in their lives for they do not give them willingly. My brother Kevin was in and out of group homes, juvenile facilities and institutions all his life and now is serving a double life sentence in prison. Not much to him except he is part of a story in so many ways yet has little external effect. I may mention some of him later on as well. Growing up in foster homes from the time I was five and on up to nine, I was bounced from home to home. Family services in the early seventies is nothing compared to what it is today. I can't say that all fostering families are the same for I would not be who I am today if I had not been adopted by the parents I have. They are truly unique. However, for the most part, foster care in the seventies was a money thing. That's how I see it and I end up reflecting on it still. Back then my suitcase was actually a brown paper sack with one change of clothes and the hygiene supplies. There are a couple of those fostering families that I am still in touch with on a rare occassion. The most memorable is the one I was in just before I was adopted. This particular family was in fact very decent. Had I not been adopted when I was, they had already talked about it. I got back in touch with them only by coincidence and was able to meet with them and do some catching up. I have determined that though they offered a lot for me in consideration of lifes atmosphere, I am still thankful that I was adopted with my younger sisters. I still to this day do not have a close relationship with ANY family members, adoptive or otherwise. I have come to realize that we are all so very different Because of the different paths we were set upon as children and chose to take later in life. Mine particularly was not what most would consider a good path but, it is MINE! I, and only I, have the "shoes" that bear the wear of my choices. Though others may have influenced the choices I have made, I alone bear the responsibility, consequences and rewards. I do however, appreciate all that have taken the time and effort to help "guide" me, from my biological parents and family, adoptive parents, who I truly cherish despite the way things have turned out between us ( I know, or at least get the sense, they may love me but, do not like me ), all the different counselors and self help programs, teachers at schools ( in the Public Not Enough Education System ), supervision officers ( adult babysitters ) and the like. Good or bad they all have their unique touches and steering mechanisms. If I had not had one of them here or there along my sojourn I would be someone else! NOT me, a different me, a subtle minor me, a subtle major me or a completely unrecognizable me. But, in the end I am me and I am the one that makes My choices. Today, I have realized my choices are just that! Nothing more and nothing less! I have done wrong and I have done right. I have done bad, real bad, good and real good. The differences generally being the consensus of what Others convey as being good, real good, bad and real bad. My own opinion does not, never did nor ever will count. I can merely take in and put out. I can exist! My effect? I don't know, I can only hope and in actuality, must realize it most likely will be limited to me. I think of the serenity prayer often and it is my guide in this realization. I can NOT change others in any way. I can not make them see things my way now or in the past or in the future. I can change my choices, behaviors, actions, reactions, emotions etc. But, if I do, then am I me? Or do I start becoming someone else's belief, vision, opinion, character......Slave? I don't really know, I've always done what I've done for MY reasons. I doubt I will change that. ____________________________________________________________________________________________ Chapter I: Me He sits on the chair in the hall, his feet dangling over the edge. He's about five years old with deep brown eyes and black hair that shines blue in the full moon. He has a bright smile and outwardly he is content and happy. He does not know what life has in store for him. Even if he did, he is still too young to understand. He does not know that his trust in others is already broken or that his faith will falter. He does not realize how much his spirit will become diminished by what he has yet to suffer. Nor does he comprehend how his soul will become a mere tag along rather than that which leads him. The heartaches that will fill him with so much anguish will nearly drown his hopes and desires. He will only know someday, that the things he has survived is where he gets his inner strength and willingness to stand and face the storms ahead. He will learn to smile from within. He will one day be able to appreciate his failures. There will be a time when he realizes the things in life that mean the most, are far greater than every loss. He will live. He will learn to give what he has to offer. One day he will give thanks to those who had faith in him. He will learn to express himself in many different ways. He will also gradually grow towards a better understanding that life is what it is. He will live life on life terms and do so unconditionally. There will be a day that he knows love and caring are multi faceted. This once little boy will one day be an adult child, wanting to enjoy life to the fullest. That day will come and life will be his. In memory: KASEY - In My Heart There's a place I recall A place where a newborn sleeps while another child weeps A place where flower petals fall There's a place I remember well a place where sirens ring out while girls of the night walk about a place something like hell There's a place I once cried a family filled with fun mother, father, daughter and son a place where Kasey died There's a place I will forever hate an infant so innocent and true so young and memories so few a place that sealed my sons' fate There's a place where his being is gone his death on me was blamed his mothers soul a fire inflamed a place where his spirit will carry on.............. MY HEART This was the single most important event in my life. Despite the fact my son being born was, at that time, the single most important event, his passing superseded that. He was born February 19th, 1993 and was healthy but just over 5 lbs. He had this smile that is ingrained within me and I search for every day since his passing. Sadly there is not much to say about his life, for he was only 6 months, except that I noticed his exquisite smile!~ Other than that he was a rather normal baby. Just like all other parents that ask "Why"?, I too was stuck in a state of clouded thoughts that I could not really connect with reality. It all seemed so unreal and I wanted or rather Demanded a answer! I knew I was not going to get it from anyone in particular but yet I demanded one. It was, reflecting back on the years and tears that have gone by, rather cynical to even expect such an answer. How can anyone answer that question? You can't! It's not so obvious in the present tense of the event itself but, after thought and contemplation of other events in life, one comes to realize there are many things that do not have answers but merely a course of actions and changes that one must deal with or succumb to. I have never been one to give up. However, at this juncture in my life I will admit in whole that I gave up! I said Fuck you to my higher power! I spoke directly to Him and told Him how I felt! I did not like Him, anyone else or Myself! I had literally given up on every guiding source in my life and decided it was MY turn to take the reigns and drive this buggy of life. It was not such a great idea. Though I had been in trouble with the "Law", at this point in my life I had taken responsibility and "paid" my dues to society. Or so I had thought. I spent a long time ( I'll keep it at that ) avoiding what life was about and merely took on a peculiar "existence". I know how deafening ones own voice can be for I have been there. I sat down at the river just blocks from where I had lived and let the days pass doing nothing but screaming and hollering inside. I thought someone might listen if I could only scream loud enough but, alas, I was sleeping and it was ony I that could or would listen if so it be. I was sleeping in what was reality and dreaming of a fantasy while at the same time dying in a nightmare. I never thought one person deserved so much anguish yet it seemed like I was myself actually dying from the inside out. The reality of the flesh and blood bag I was in was still in existence but, my spirit, the light I thought I was and believed to shine so bright, had dwindled to a nothingness that didn't provide me with enough to see anything anymore. I had become blind. I was blind to kindness that emanated from others, I had become blinded to the reality of what life really is. I could not and did not see what was to be a "purpose" for myself or anyone around me. I believed at that time we just were and it was all misery for some and all happiness for others. I knew nothing of balance or medium ground. I did not see the ups and downs that help us to enjoy the good moments and learn from the pitfalls. I had become so insensed that I did not feel. I became a isolationist and did not want to have anything to do with others. This attitude cost me a few relationships along the way. I did not want to be the way I was but, I was blind to the reality of it as well. No matter what others pointed out as being a particular problem or issue in my life, I did not see it as "my" problem but rather as theirs. I wrote the poem above so I would not forget the events surrounding the passing of my son. He died of what the medical society calls SIDS - Sudden Infant Death Syndrome. I have my own doubts but, at the same time, the mother had her doubts and actually blamed me for his passing. I was already in shock and reeled at this accusation. So, if you can imagine, being embroiled and distraught enough already over his death, now I had to contemplate the emotional expression of another one I loved. This of course brought on the actions of separation of family. We had a three year old daughter and the mother had a determination of "saving" her other child from me. Of course I did not want to harm or even let that thought be conveyed in any sense so, I went to the river. The only place I have ever found a true peace. It's odd now that I reflect back that I would choose the river bank, my place of peace, to relinquish all my anger and confusion, I still hold it as my place for quelling my innerself when it seems to be reaching out of bounds. I also remember the time I sat there for months after Kasey passed, yelling, berating, cursing, plotting, insulting my higher power for what He had done! I no longer feel that way of course but, I still remember and do my best to use it as a tool in my life today. Something to remind me of who I am. Now that I am no longer "angry" with my higher power and have accepted Him back into my life my spirit is ever brighter and more sustainable. At least in my opinion. I would like to think others see that in me but, there are those that should be close to me yet have for the most part disowned me and it is this that makes me wonder. Let It Rain Crazy and insane thoughts run thru my head, I just want to roll over and go back to bed. Lifes timing refuses to let me go back to sleep, Dreams from childhood I'm so wishing I could keep. I'm tired of the depression that makes me so sad, I'm tired of the aggression that makes me so mad. I struggle thru the quagmire that I must trudge, but the everyday troubles of life I do not begrudge. Sometimes my bottle is half full, others half empty, as I battle against my lifelong addictions tempting. There are times that I can't seem to stop the pain, just like it is impossible to stop heavens rain. The hurt often times cuts me to my innermost core, but I'm already soaking wet so, let it fucking pour. Yeah, I said let it rain, rain, rain down on me! Because I'm still standing, can't you see! So, not only do I have to contend with the loss of one but, now the woman of my love has separated herself and my daughter from me. How much can happen at once? Now being a mere man with like desires, wishes and dreams of others, I too am a man with the same like faults. This occurrence of events was the true crux of what was to become a severe addiction. Today I call it a addiction to "not caring" because I simply just did not care. I did not care about this, I did not care about that, I did not care about them, I did not care about you and I most certainly did not care about myself. Hell, I thought for a long time I myself was indestructible! Still being alive after all I had been through and what I had lost had to have something to it and I was sure it was ME! I was impervious to all! I know today that is not so. I have ruined many things that would have been beneficial to me today. Most of them would be the intangible relationships. But, how can anyone expect someone like myself to be adept at building relationships when every last one has been destroyed. How can society blame me for that. Well, today I know they don't and I have to, at some point long before now, Learn on my own. I have to use my instincts and what seems natural. Things like that inner voice, my spirit, my sense of reality and also use my abilities to detect the deceit and lies. I have to be able to "see" what is real and what is not. These are the things others have a hard time teaching, as I have come to know, because we each have our "Own" realities. We have each traveled different paths and seen different things along the same paths. How much more confusing can it be to try to Teach someone something they have not realized nor may ever do so. I can no longer ponder this question, I know MY reality is nothing like anyone else's and that alone is what makes the difference. Even the subtle differences are enough to alter the solution to any one equation of life. We all equate things on separate levels and to various degrees. We all have independent thought no matter how guided, or misguided for that matter, it may be. At this time I will explain what I know about my father and how I have come to accept what has happened. First, my biological father was a severe alcoholic and abused people as much as he did the alcohol. I remember many instances that are as stark today as the day they happened. Nothing else is present when I think of specific incidents. They are clear as day in my mind and I doubt they will ever dissipate in any way, shape or form. They have made such an impression on my mind that I internally vowed I would never be like him. I detest his behavior and for many years I hated him. I hated him for what he was, what he did, how he turned out later in life and who he was. I eventually got over this later but, only after I learned he had died. At that time it angered me that I did not get to say to him what I thought I had a right to say. It took me a while to realize, as someone put it to me, it was none of his business what I thought of him. He did many terrible things to myself, my siblings and to others I am sure. Things that would make you believe he was inhumane, the devil or at least a demon of sorts. As I grew and the memories began to be whitewashed with joyful times of a new life I did not think of him as much. However, when I started to reflect on things in my time of turmoil over my own sons passing he came to mind more. I tried to reflect on why I could feel the way I do about my children and how he himself could do the things he did to people and yet profess he loved or cared about them. I came to realize I would never be like him because I just could not comprehend the same behaviors. I could not see myself raising my hand to a child let alone my child or even go further and commit to acts such as those that he did. He was my father and that was it, nothing more and nothing less. It's a great thing that I was lucky enough to get a "replacement". The guidance I did have in life I will say, in the productive sense at least, came from my adoptive parents. They were and to this day remain a very positive influence in my life whether they realize it or recognize it or not. They are the ones that introduced me to the "Word" - Yhwh. Though they are not the ones who were directly involved in actually teaching me, it was their introduction of myself and my two younger sisters to a particular pair of ministers who had a profound effect on my willingness to learn the "Word". I can't speak for my sisters but, in regards to myself, I was eager to be educated in the forum of the church and the religious aspects thereof because of the personalities and outward shining of those personalities that these two ministers had. It was my parents, by their actions and their attesting to this by following up with this enhancement upon our lives, that sustained my belief that what I was learning was true. My mom always told me; "Keith if you do what's right, things just have a funny way of working out." I did not always know Exactly what she meant but, I knew it was true. I knew it because I believed it. In believing it, the thought itself guided me in the direction of what was right. I did not always do what was right but, I did Know what was right. My dad got me involved in Boy Scouts and I must say, that was the greatest single endeavor I have ever had in life. It may seem odd that something like a stewardship type self help program for young boys would be so great but, I'm sure there are many that would attest that their lives would not be what they are today had it not been availed to them. For no matter how much my parents and I differ today, the knowledge of what is right and wrong, good and bad, truths and lies are very similar and I have them to thank for it. UNTITLED Emotions and feelings of the mind, heart and soul The good and the bad we have all come to know We have all followed different paths in our lives and felt loves caresses and pains stabbing knives Some have followed clean swept paths that never alter others followed overgrown paths on which they falter Some of us hide from our feelings when life gets demanding others are able to stand tall with true understanding Failures brings consequences and success rewards well earned no matter what the path, we all grow from lessons learned Just as dealing with our innermost emotions makes us healthy learning from life's hardest lessons makes us wealthy. Like I said before, the passing of Kasey was the crux to a severe addiction. It was the first drop of rain. My love and her depression over his loss was another drop. Then she determined I was the reason for his passing and the drops just kept coming. But, I am still standing! I went through several years of heavy use, both Methamphetamines and Marijuana. My biological father was a heavy alcoholic and I had long before determined I would NOT be like him. The easy solution was to not drink. I could however, and to this day attest, I can and do Stop after one drink. The other methods of hiding however were and to this day remain a large hindrance and distraction from life duties. I must always maintain the consciousness of getting lost if I delve into them again. Moreover though my biggest addiction was to hatred and not caring. I went through life for a period of years that spanned well over a decade where I isolated from society and became withdrawn into myself and started seeing myself as better than others. That somehow I knew something they didn't and I was sure I could help them if I could just get them to believe what I believed. This belief itself I think is what kept me in my active addiction to drugs. For various reasons I prescribed to myself just like a doctor would to a patient but, I used the excuse I was not sick, but rather, I needed to medicate to adjust for the infringements that society forced upon me. At least that's the way I viewed it at the time. In fact it was myself that was hindering my progress by hiding behind the self medication and thoughts of holier than though. If maybe I had put the poem The Man In The Glass to use sooner I possibly would have had a better chance of making it through this part of my life sooner and in a better perspective. The Methamphetamines of course were the worst and caused more delays in life and problems than I wanted but, I never got caught with them and that itself is a great thing. Don't get me wrong, the use of these sorts of drugs are bad enough but, to mix in a legal system based on corporate entities, lies, corruption and money does nothing but make it worse. Once in the system of fraud one can not escape unless they can figure out the fraud! Though many will say the legal system we have here in America is just I will beg to differ and use the words in their own codes and statutes to prove it myself. I will speak more of this later but, for now, back to the illicit drugs. Along with Meth, as most people in almost any environment where street drugs are readily availed, I did minor experimentations with other drugs such as coke, opiates, some pills etc. At the time I was "using" meth (it was no longer experimenting) I was absorbed in making money and having "fun" in life. I will contend that much about it was fun but, at the same time, the paranoia in the back of my mind of being caught and the consequences thereof was a major distraction. That itself, in my own case, I think is the substance behind being able to "kick the habit". I still meandered here and there with the use of marijuana because it was a time when there was a lot of conjecture on its' use and effects as well as the decriminalization thereof. This alone was a reservation that allowed me to Continue using it as well as the "community" was getting larger by the hour it seemed. I think it still grows today as tidbits of information come out about the medicinal use of different strains of "cannabis" as well as other areas of manufacturing such as hemp fibre, fuel, plastics etc. Meth on the other hand has none of these factors that one could consider for reservations on its' use. It is merely a "social" drug that makes one "antisocial"! Funny how that turns out. Get high and end up so paranoid you start shutting the shades and darkening windows and peeking around corners first! It is truly one of the worst drugs out there in my opinion. Along with the inward psychological effects, it also has many visual effects besides just strange and paranoid behaviors. I have seen people who have damn near chewed a portion of their lip off to others who have lifelong scars from incessant picking at things on their skin that aren't even there! It is truly a disgusting drug. GAINS Eternal ups and downs with not enough of this and too much of that Days whirring by, I spin out of control and don't know where I'm at The stenographer clicking away without slow, pause or rewind Wishing there was a way to catch up with the thoughts in my mind Racing to and fro like life, sometimes slow but always too fast Living for today, never looking forward and forgetting the past Somehow rarely getting what I want and hardly what I need Spinning my wheels and feeling stagnant like a winter seed Troubles that are burdening my shoulders and weighing me down Trying my best to smile day in and day out but, I succumb to a frown Not knowing whether I really want to share what I hold inside Wanting to isolate from everyone and find a dark corner to hide The sickness rides me, constant chattering, a monkey on my back Doesn't matter, good, bad, right or wrong, it's judgement that I lack Not fearing what is yet to come nor regretting the days gone by Trying to surrender to life and not show the times I want to cry Hard to do what I must, even harder to stay things I must not Things get rough and I want to get away, like a horse, off I trot Not knowing where I will go nor do I really care where I will end up Seeing things the way I do, my life has always been an empty cup I've come a long way though from my days of always running away These trials and tribulations I will surmount and live another day No longer will I let life bridle me and put that monkey at the reigns One step back and two steps forwards, I'll always accept my gains My biological father, as I said, was a severe alcoholic and as most know, abuse of alcohol oft times times brings out the abusive nature of man kind. My father was NOT what you would call a happy drunk. Quite the opposite. When he got drunk the morbid thoughts that come from images of death were always present. It was a fear unlike any other. Not knowing and yet hopeful because that worst thought had not happened yet. The unwavering ability of the young impressionable mind to "forget" the existence of such abuse not only to themselves but other loved ones around them is what Keeps me going to this day. If not for being able to reflect back on such vivid memories and come to terms with them and my father, I would have transgressed to his level and become just that which I refused to be; him. I knew I did not want to abuse my children and in my mind it was simply not using alcohol as the solution. Here again, I reflected back and realized I had made other mistakes because I merely contented myself with Not being my father. This may seem like a minor thing but, in actuality it was still a mistake that needed to be addressed. In the experiences in my life, all relationships were simply "jumped" into. I tried and for the most part made many friends simply because if I wanted friends I had to. This was pertinent as being in foster homes I had become accustomed to losing them almost as soon as I made them. I believe that is why friends are harder to come by in my older age. They are not taken so lightly nor are they adhered to unless there is a solid foundation for each relationship. Otherwise they are mere acquaintances. Today the friends I have are my friends on my terms and I am their friend on their terms. In other words, I merely accept them for who they are and obversely if they accept me for who I am all is well. But, as in most relationships, when times come of disagreements both parties, if they wish to remain in that particular relationship, (IMO) must come to a resolve without contempt or the belligerent expressions of that contempt. I know my adoptive parents must have had arguments but, I can truthfully say I never "heard" them argue. I say this not to make them sound perfect but only to prove the point in my aforesaid opinion. See, many people have many arguments but, when held in a decorum of maturity and responsibility built upon a foundation of true love and respect for one another, arguments take the form of a level meeting of the minds upon discussion of the differing opines being conveyed to each other. The arguments are not arguments, but rather, agreements to disagree. It seems simple enough but, for many, particularly myself, it is a hard concept to grasp because arguments have always been defined as something other than mere discussion. The "argument" has been given a air of something More than conversation. It has been lineated to be a narrow path of vehement disagreement when in truth it can be so much broader. I wish I had learned this many years back for this one single realization would have saved myself and those around me so much trouble and ill emotions. Like other men, and women for the most part, I grew up with the impression I was not to cry. Men, boys, guys, males just don't cry. Somehow I knew this was wrong because I could not prevent it myself. It did not mean I couldn't go cry in private, which I often times did, but rather, if I was in the presence of others, particularly other people my age or younger, I was to quell it and keep a level head. This, as time went on, practicing not to cry did not do myself any good and I often wonder if others really believe it did them any good. Under the facade of being a "man", not showing my emotions was in fact a detriment to my whole character. How can I express myself with mere words that can be misconstrued, falsified, perverted, mis-conveyed, mis-conceived, literalized etc. All facets of a lie. I knew I wanted to be as the Boy Scout Creed goes: HONEST, trustworthy, loyal, helpful, friendly, courteous, kind, obedient, cheerful, thrifty, brave, clean and reverent! I could do nothing after being Honest if I was not First Honest! It is the foundation that makes communication work! Therefore, though it took many years, I finally learned to cry openly. I no longer care what others may think of a grown man crying for it does not "Concern" them, it concerns my integrity! Finding Myself All of my emotions locked up deep inside A massive tidal wave that's finally set free No longer do I wish for them to hide What I really want is just to be me All of the pent up anger, aggression and pain The tears let loose freely down my cheeks Like the torrential downpour of a spring rain Flooding mother earths rivers and creeks Lessening my burdens with a sigh of relief My anger and resentment I must appease Beaten down with all the sadness and grief Knowing it will not come with much ease So, I put down root and plant my feet Ready to let loose all my true emotion In the captains chair I now take my seat Willing to take charge so full of devotion I make the choices before me with dread My voice sounds familiar yet so strange No more I sit in a quagmire, a new life ahead Filled with the vigor of new and welcomed change A life full of misery, always feeling distraught I have gained the tools that affect my ways Listening to the lessons that others have taught Taking heed, the ugliness not filling my days My spirit rekindled and my soul shining bright I can live each day with a sparkle in my eyes Knowing I have the power to do what is right No longer listening to my own selfish lies I've learned to show others how I really feel All of this to help me regain my self respect Knowing that I must let others know I am real Honesty in return is the only thing I expect Letting my emotions out for the world to see them No longer using excuses, all of them so lame As I let my feelings flow, I find a new freedom I hide no more behind a wall of guilt and shame My emotions floating out from the darkness inside Remembering how my soul had once run dry I now know how to show them and let them free A new found outlook, I can take life in stride A hard lesson I've learned, learning to cry So grateful I've found myself, I'm finally ME! ____________________________________________________________________________________________ Please be sure to hit that PayPal link and share some love... https://www.paypal.me/keithlittle1

Posted by El Hotepsekhemwy Pero at 2020-11-29 18:25:00 UTC